WTF! Encyclopedia Dramatica

You can imagine my surprise when I took a look at my logs to find out why there was a sudden spike in traffic (turns out I'm on the first page of google images for the term- london snow) and I find Encyclopedia Dramatica in my referrer logs.

Encyclopedia Dramatica is a spoof on wikipedia and the South African entry is beyond description... let's just say it wouldn't exactly feature on SA Rocks!
So you can imagine my disgust when I found that this entry was linking to my blog.
"Typical example of a dumbfuck saffa blog"

Hmmm... initial reaction was who, what, where...can... whoop ass... now! Edit- history search- user search. User=Stabularasa, and then I thought... hang on a tick...

(little voice inside my head)
"Grant... is it really worth getting worked up because some wanker who frequents (and edits) this sort of content decided to link to your blog?"

The answer is, of course, no.

So I checked out what Encyclopedia Dramatica was about and it clearly states:

"While the articles themselves are mostly satirical jabs at Internet users (both individually and in groups) and phenomena, bear in mind that the Encyclopedia Dramatica itself is a parody of a much less funny online encyclopedia. As such, ED articles tend to make fun of the supposed objectivity and accuracy, elitism, and stupid edit wars of such sites. In other words, expect blatant, biased lies, and expect boring truths to get deleted quickly."

Calmness restored.
Whilst I do not condone the majority of the content of the South Africa page, and I find it mostly in particularly bad taste, I can accept the attempt at satire. So... Stabularasa... I'm honoured you feel my blog is worthy of a link to this site. (Really, there are far better people whom you could've baited with this.)

Much love!

Feeling pretty pumped.

I just got back from a seriously productive meeting with my business partners to discuss some amendments to our site. There is an awesome buzz amongst the group s we can see everything coming together. As you can imagine there is more than a fair amount of work ahead of us, but none of us seem too worried by that... it's part of the process.

Read today that online retail in SA has increased a further 35% year-on-year up to R900million odd....sweet! Gimme a piece of that pie.

It's very tempting to start saying more than I should but my partners have asked me to keep my big mouth shut... so I will.

So I've got home after the meeting feeling pretty pumped... so much so that I've had to open a beer just to ensure that I chill out before heading off to bed. Guess this is the passion that people speak about!

Tomorrow is a hectic day at work as I have two more major proposals to do, but having said that the day job is still pushing all the right buttons at the moment, and having TASS as a distraction is awesome.

Anyway, as it has become a theme over the past couple posts... here's another music video:

Blogged with Flock

Sunday... grey, but chilled.

Have spent most of today continuing to test things out with the site and watch episodes of Smallville. Series seven is the shiz niz!

An added bonus to the insanely gorgeous women on the show is the soundtrack, and here's a semi-suicidal song which I'm enjoying:

Blogged with Flock

Woohoo, we've begun testing

Very exciting times for Tass Online Ltd. We've started internal testing of our comparison site. At first look... we're chuffed. Of course there are a couple bugs here and there but honestly I would've been very suspicious if there hadn't been things to pick up on.

I've now tested it on most browser versions except Safari... but I'm not concerned as from the little I know Safari is less likely to cause issues. I'm now onto getting the blog up and running and deciding on which forum software to  get.

The logo needs working on, and I'm toying with the idea of doing yet another logo competition. Since the iPhone isn't being launched in SA maybe I should give that away as a prize! lol... might have to downgrade that to a Touch.

On a separate note, this is my first entry using the functionality of Flock. So far I've been really impressed. I was always a fan of firefox, and Flock just takes things up a notch. It's because of Flock that I've finally seen the point of twitter... now don't all have a go at me because of my ignorance... but previously I didn't see what twitter brought to the party.

Gotta run... found a drinking partner for the evening... in closing... my latest mood in music:

Blogged with Flock

Street Fighter 4

When I think back to the what must've been close to a couple hundred Rand which I fed into the arcade machine down at the local cafe, watching this teaser trailer really gets me excited. Now I am not exactly a hardcore gamer in any sense and I enjoy computer games as much as any guy with a healthy drinking habit... but the memory of countless hours shouting HADOUKEN! and SONIC BOOM! (Ken, Ryu, and Guile) justs makes me have a quiet little giggle to myself. Those were the days.

Why does facebook think I'm gay?

For a while now I've been considering facebook and their ads. For a site which collects far too much information about people... why on earth isn't any of the information used to at least target me with relevent ads? Here's the latest, a gay dating site using the facebook flyer, (which to be fair is super cheap and you wouldn't expect it to be targeted.) But come-on... interested in...women!!!

(P.S. Ladies as you can see from my dashing profile, I'm both incredibly good looking and single.)
(P.P.S. The black thing on my cheek comes off, and the baby blue t-shirt no longer exists)

Why the obsession with traffic?

Over the past couple weeks I've been observing how the SA blogosphere is obsessed with traffic and quite frankly I'm baffled.
Now before you slate me in the comments section please understand that I spend all day every day dealing in traffic. I work with every online revenue metric, and web traffic in essence puts a roof over my head.

Now the SA blogosphere is riddled with people trying to get more people to read their blogs. My question is- Why?

Is it brag value? If so, there's no shame in that. (I also check my various rankings and like it when I go up.)

Are people trying to make money? If so then bloggers need to understand that internet revenue is not simply a case of getting your page impressions up. Put bluntly... traffic does not necessarily equal revenue. More importantly a worthwhile revenue.

So if it's not ego or money, then why the need for increased traffic?

As I said in the beginning, I'm baffled, and I don't have the answer.

Man down.

Gym can be bad for you!
I have apparently suffered a minor hernia... whateva! I'm calling it a dodgy stomach. Although it does feel like I've been kicked in the balls. oooh TMI!

So it's going to be a quiet weekend for me, fortunately the rugby will keep me nicely occupied. I'm considering taking a drive somewhere out of London, but haven't decided where.

Apart from that, I've been pretty boring recently...oh... I did go to the Digital Music Awards.... oh... and saw Incubus last weekend... ok not so boring. :)

I didn't win tickets to Led Zeppelin unfortunately... (1,000,000 people registered for 20,000 tickets)

Before I sign off... here's a wicked video I found... the first minute is rubbish but trust me it gets better... it's amazing how much time some people seem to have on the hands?

Who is- The Colony?

Over the past couple days I've received visits from people who may not have read my blog before, and I've received a few requests for more information as to who I am. So here you go:

My name is Grant and I am first and foremost- a South African.
I grew up in Joburg, before going to Rhodes for a brief 'gap year' which was supposed to involve studying. The extra-curricular activities which Grahamstown had to offer proved to be too much for me, so I moved back to Joburg in order to pay for my student loan whilst continuing to study. I eventually managed a Bcom (Marketing and Management).

After graduating I made use of the ancestry visa available to me to travel to the UK. This trip started of as a typical gap year, but has developed into the beginning of my carreer.

I have worked for and with some of the largest online companies in the world, starting as a salesman, then account management, then business developement, and now I have started my own company. I still work during the day, which, at it's simplest involves selling banner ads, and at it's most complex involves negotiating site takeovers and integrations. My own company is still in the very early days. Our first site is still in private beta testing and our second site is about to go into development. There are plans for a third, however we'll have to see whether we are any good with the first two before investing more money. I am by no means a technical person, and whilst I have a vague knowledge of tech jargon I prefer to leave this to the experts.

This blog was originally setup to keep my friends and family back in SA up to date with what was happening in my life. It has since developed into somewhat of an online journal where I dump pretty much anything I like. I don't blog to an audience so please don't expect any consistancy with the content. What one day is a post regarding the state of online advertising, could quite easily the next day be a post about how drunk I got at a Foo fighters concert.

That pretty much somes up who I am at the moment. Sorry to disappoint.

Here's my LinkedIn profile.

Deezer.com- A new era in music

A couple posts ago I wrote about Blogmusik.net

Well they've gone completely legit and renamed themselves Deezer.com. I can't stress how cool this service is.
I was lucky enough to meet the owner of the site yesterday and I will be working with them with regard to their UK activity in about 2 weeks time. I'm super stoked!
When Deezer goes mainstream and comes up in conversation the way that facebook does (are our conversations that boring that we have to fall back on facebook rather than the old faithful, "so how about this weather") I will be able to non-chelantly say... "Yeah I work with them ona couple things"- Man I'm cool! (Quietly calling myself a dork in my head)

I have been slowly growing my Deezer playlist ( Widget--------->) and discovered some wicked new artists. When I eventually get organised I'm going to start using the widget to let my dedicated reader (note lack of plural) know some of the music I'm currently tapping my foot to.

Man I'm cool......... (Dork)

Mopey Squirrel is taking the day off

Okay...so....

I've been crazy busy recently and it has really started to affect my mood and general outlook on life. So today I'm taking the day off! You know things are getting crazy when you have to make a conscious decision to take a breather on a Saturday!

I've got a mate coming over for a braai and to watch rugby, then I'm off to a mates not-so-surprise birthday party. I plan to just chill the whole day!

In other news, I think I've managed to come to a decision on the matter that I was having trouble with in an earlier post. I can't say I'm pleased with the outcome, however I've played out every scenario in my head and looked at all the angles and unfortunately there is no escaping the fact that it's a lose-lose situation. So I'm going to have to choose the one direction that limits the damage. -It sucks! I suppose life isn't always going to involve easy decisions, and it's not always possible to solve every problem. (As much as I believe I can.)

Even as I write this I'm still not convinced, and I'm struggling to face the reality of it.

Enough cryptic DMC.... time to chill!

Scouting for girls- It's not about you.

Two more Jim and Pam video's

Since finding the first video, I've been having a hoot watching user mashups of the US version of The Office. Having dabbled in video editing I know that some of these people have sent hours getting these right. The videos show the relationship (or lack thereof) between Jim and Pam.

Why do I only perform during periods of stress?

My mind works in mysterious ways!

I'm being pulled in a million different directions at the moment, and for some reason I seem to be accomplishing everything with surprising efficetiveness.

I'm not saying I'm some super human over-achiever. In fact most of the stress is self inficted, but due to the emotional rollercoaster- I'm extremely focussed. Is my flight or fight response kicking in?

There are some areas which I'm failing dismally at, but on reflection... I was on a hiding to nowhere there anyway. I'm still struggling with having to make a really big decision with this particular area, and as much my head is telling me one thing... my gut feel is that I haven't explored all the options yet. So do I persist and continue to beat myself up over a losing cause, or do I not give up and fight for something which means a lot to me? Yes- it is as complicated as it sounds... and I'm desperately trying not to think about it, but it's not in my nature to do so.

I'm missing home a lot at the moment.

Anyway- onto the success stories!

I'm doing relatively well at work at the moment.
My first site is now live and we're working out the bugs.
We're almost ready to start on the second site.
I'm about to become a 'Google Advertising Professional'.
I'm going to V-fest, and Edinburgh to watch the boks this month.

So I'm keeping my head down, and my chin up.... (LOL- that's physically impossible if you think about it.)

It's been one of those weeks

Decoding the female venacular

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
Right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
Minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
And you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
Usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

Flight of the Conchord

These guys are outstanding!

My top 5

Everyone should know the rules of top 5, but just to remind you. Your top 5 are in no particular order.



Scarlett Johansson
Monica Potter
Rachael Leigh Cook
Olivia Hussey
Kate Beckinsale

I'm soooo cuffed!

Yip.... I hang my head in shame. I setup another Muti account to submit my story about the perpetual motion machine. Being the clever ass that I am- I then commented using that username as myself. What a prat! Stupid, silly, uncalled for.... let the mockery begin.

Quick catch-up

I have been seriously busy recently, hence the lack of blog posts. Now that I've managed 5min during my lunch break I thought I'd fire 3 posts in!

Life is pretty simple, yet chaotic at the moment. Work, work, work... toss in a couple gym sessions for good measure, and the occassional night out.

The real reason for the post is really just so I can show off my up coming social schedule and make people jealous. I'm a bastard I know.... but that's just how I roll. (p.s. that's a new ghetto speak saying I've added to my vocab to compliment 'fo shizzle'.)

This Saturday: Watching the rugby then off to Wembley Stadium for Live Earth. I was lucky enough to win the chance to buy tickets (yip you read that right, you had to enter a competition just for the chance to buy tickets). Line-up is:

Madonna
Genesis
Metallica
Kasabian
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Corinne Bailey Rae
Bloc Party
Foo fighters
James blunt
Duran Duran
Damien Rice
Razor Light
Beastie Boys
Snow Patrol
Paulo Nutini
David Gray
John Legend
Black Eyed Peas
Keane

(Should be....above average!!!!)

Then in August: V fest- here are a few of the headliners

The Killers
Kasabian
James
The Fratellis
KT Tunstall
James Morrison
The Goo Goo Dolls
Foo Fighters
Snow Patrol
Pink
Kanye West
Paolo Nutini
The Kooks
Manic Street Preachers
Lily Allen
Basement Jaxx
Amy Winehouse
Jet
The Fray<
Damien Rice
Corinne Bailey Rae
Sophie Ellis Bexter

(Also....not bad!!!)

Then the week after I'm off to Edinburgh to watch SA play Scotland at Murrayfield, and go to the Edinburgh festival.

Being me sucks so much! :P

What about now?

Is the world about to be changed by magnets!

How would the world change if... someone could create a way to provide free, clean, and constant energy?

Forget cold fusion people... the way of the future is magnets - apparently!
Today an Irish company- Steorn- is due to demonstrate their Orbo Technology which claims to achieve free, clean, and constant energy.
In doing so they will defy the laws of thermodynamics, and not only, not lose energy in the process, but actually gain energy (claimed energy efficiency of 400%).

To dumb it down considerably- they plan to make things go round magnets and when they get back to where they started, instead of losing energy they will actually have more energy than when they started.

I'm no scientist, but I know enough to know that if successful this will change the world as we know it. So rather than rehash the available info check out these links:

Steorn website
Wikipedia: Orbo technology
Free Energy Tracker Blog
Kinetica Museum announcement of demo

Vincent Maher made me cry!

Vincent Maher posted this video and after watching it three times I still get shivers down my spine... and yip I too...cried like a baby.
As I type this I'm watching the live final on TV... I'm actually considering spending the cash and voting for him.

Look after you

Something I've learnt about myself over the years is that I love being the hero.

Maybe it was growing up to fairy tales of knights in shining armour rescuing the princess from the tower. However maybe it's a flaw in my character that I feel people need rescuing. In all honesty if it is a flaw to think that way, then surely it's better than the opposite. Imagine if I hid or ran when people needed me.

I dunno, and to be perfectly honest, I don't care... I love being the shoulder to cry on, the hand the pick someone up, the smile when someones feeling down.

At the same time, I'm never short of advice. I love being an authority on happiness, heartache, and life in general. This coming from a soon-to-be-26yr-old, with (let's be honest) limited life experience. However, I won't change this either. I think I give pretty good advise... I never pretend to have all the answers but what I say comes from the heart, and I honestly do believe it's the right thing to say.

The reason I'm writing this post is that two very special women in my life have been on the receiving end of my advise recently, and I just wanted to let them know I'm thinking of them.

As, has become customary, with my thoughtful posts...here's my mood in music:

The Fray: Look after you.

Give the ball to Brian

A crazy long weekend!
Started off on Friday feeling rather poorly, but that what soon not an issue after watching SA crush England on Saturday. Being the great sports better that I am, I put cash on SA to win between 46-50 points @ 22/1...yeah boy. Pity I only £1 on, but it still paid for a couple drinks on Saturday which turned out to be a crazy day of partying, ending off with a night of 'best dancer ever' syndrome.
Sunday was just as crazy, meeting up in town for a couple drinks and meeting some new peeps, and more dancing ensued... oooh this has got to stop!
Monday was super chilled and I spent the whole day working on TASS online as we're desperately trying to figure out the best way for the users to interact with the site.

For a bit of fun here's a song I was sent this morning from Chicken... not the most lyrically challenging but when you picture Brian flying down the wing it brings a smile to your face.

Gee%20die%20bal%20vir%20brian.mp3

So near....

I know I have been neglecting my blog recently, however there have been a lot of different things going on recently.

1.) Failed attempt at a relationship.
2.) Start of a new relationship. Shoo that was fast!
3.) Technical issues getting first site launched... (Super frustrating)
4.) New job, which is going well.
5.) Facebook takes up a lot of my internet time which would've been dedicated to blogging.

I'm currently seeing an particularily cute Zimbabwean girl, who makes me smile a lot and laughs at my jokes... even when they're not funny! Score... you know you've struck gold when this happens... especially if you've heard my jokes before.

TASS Online is having some technical issues at the moment as we try and get the site live. I'm not the most technical person but it's got to do with the database not being supported by our hosting company...which sucks! Otherwise, we have started planning site no.2 codenamed tazoo, and the initial spec should be completed by the end of the week. I'm very excited about this site as it is something that I have a lot of experience in, so I'm really confident it will be a winner. Initially it was going to be launched in SA only, however we have found a new way to launch it in the UK without it requiring too many man hours.

New job is a cracker, and I'm learning a whole bunch of new stuff about a part of the online world which initially I thought I knew about, but now realise I had no idea. This role is a lot more creative than many of my previous roles, and it this aspect that i am enjoying most at the moment. However I still have some way to go before I have a firm understanding.

Facebook... ahhh... how many hours have you devoured! Having just cracked the 200 friends mark (Man, I'm cool...do you wanna touch me!) I have got back in touch with a whole host of people I went to primary school with! Hectic! People have been posting pictures from Grd 2, and I have quite enjoyed trying to remember who all those little kids were... and are now!

It's a long weekend this weekend in the UK, and I'm really looking forward to a good lie in on Monday, especially seeing as there will be a fair bit of partying and working on TASS. Also looking forward to being able to talk about rugby again! (Single tear...trickles...down...cheek...sniff...so close!)

Now that's what I call a weekend!

Yeah!

I have lost my voice from screaming at the tv yesterday... go the Sharks...you beauties! But let me take a step back.

So as you may have guessed things didn't exactly go to plan on the relationship front, however where one door closes another opens... and I've been seeing quite a bit of one particular girl of late. No I am not a complete bastard... it's complicated.

Aaannyyywayy...

I bought myself a laptop which arrived on Saturday morning...mmmm... it's beautiful. Dell, Core 2 duo 1.73ghz, 2gb ram. Just trying to get used to vista, which is a pain when you have a hangover.

So onto the rugby... how amazing was that game! Forget about the fact that we couldn't find touch because it was a truely gutsy display from a team showing why they deserve to be top of the table. Dick Muir you good thing! I just can't believe Jaques Botes didn't crack the nod for the Springbok training squad... he has been immense for us this season.

Wow this post is terribly written and disjointed! Sorry, feeling far too fragile today, I think I'll retire to facebook for the rest of the evening.

Choose your attitude...

On a training course I was on once, we were taught when you wake up in the morning you had to choose your attitude, so after my little escapade last night with brother Famous and Brother Grouse, here is my mood in music... (note to self, really should stop drinking and blogging)

If only...

My mood in music (a couple of them)

It's angry but you can't argue with it... last minute or so...



Kinda cryptic but you get the point...



Fall out boy really needs the lyrics... replace 'he' with 'she'...



You don't need the lyrics for this one...you've seen it before...imagine two personalities fighting to say things at the same time, one logical, one pretty bleak...



I really thought this wasn't gonna suck as much as it does...

Table for 1, singing out loud, & Squirrel is thinking of you.

I know it's borderline alcohlism, but hey, I'm having a good time!

I am currently sitting at home alone with two good friends of mine- Famous and Grouse, quality chaps, and really good listeners!
I'm celebrating landing my first deal in my new graft, and since I couldn't recruit anyone to have a quite drink with me (I suppose a Monday night isn't exactly condusive to that sort of thing), I'm chilling at home having a 'wail' of a time drinking whiskey and singing aloud to some quality tunes.
Disclaimer: This song is not intended to reflect my attitudes towards anyone or my current state of mind... it's just a cracking good song. Man! I never thought I'd have to explain myself so much just to post a video.



So anyway... I'm a happy guy at the moment... busy...but happy. I've got lots of really positive things happening at the moment, and it's probably best that I leave them unblogged. Sorry to leave you hanging like that, it's just better to not count your chickens before they've hatched.

On to a new topic... women!
Many of the women in my life at the moment are are having a rough time, and because I take it rather personally when this happens, it's affecting me. Whether it be boyfriend troubles, work troubles, 'I don't know what I'm doing with my life' troubles, they all are not happy. So here's a little video for all those girls who are having a kak time... it's dorky, but you can't help but sing along.



That's what friends are for!

Cricket causes pain.

I will not write about the cricket... it is a dirty word, and I refuse to speak of it. It causes you to do silly things like, stand by yourself in a bar for an hour waiting for a mate to rock-up, pay £3 for 50g of shit biltong, drink far too much beer, slide down bannisters... and most painful of all... think it's hilarious when you're pushed off said bannister. Ohhh the pain in the morning when the pain-numbing properties of booze wear off, and you have to limp to work! The picture shows my superbly tanned and toned leg and the swelling from my graceful swan dive down a flight of stairs. Thank you Whitty you twat....lol.

Still alive...just swamped at the moment.

It's over a week since my last post, and despite suffering from serious withdrawal I just can't find the time to write a decent post.
I've got lots of exciting things going on at the moment, and a 2 second write-up just won't do them justice... so be patient. In fact looking at my schedule.... be very patient.

Ahhh...the best Monday ever

Yes ladies and gentlemen (more for the gents though)... it's Tit Monday.

"That glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the tube, or sitting on the train, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months. You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat.

And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At last, Tit Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy. For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin.

After months of dull colours and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk.

Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts braless in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road...

And you know it is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday.

Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a moveable feast. Last year it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above 16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt to 22C on 24 April.

And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again until next year), so that when they're all standing outside All Bar One after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs. It's like a prog-rock gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is holding up nipples.

So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early. There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps.

As the poet said: one bold Northern slapper in a bikini doth not a summer make."

Disclaimer: I received this in an email a couple years ago, and upon seeking it's source found many copies and variations. So this is not my own work, there I said it. It's still funny though!

The end and the beginning.

I am now back in London, but first let me recount my last days in SA.

Easter Monday: Spend the day chilling with my folks, and attempt to organise on final drinking session. I thought it would be appropriate that I go to the Colony Arms for farewell drinks and so after dinner I head off with my sister as my designated driver. Get to The Colony expecting to be greeted by the waft of John Deere's, only to find that it was closed...wtf! So not to be deterred my mates moved onto plan B without so much as a hiccup- the Jolly Roger- you just can't fault it for consistency. It really is a fine establishment, and on my last night it was perfect! (You know it's good when even when it's shite Swimsuit Models go there.) The evening was a quiet affair as I suspect my mates were a little tired and had work the next day, so many couldn't come. No matter, my 2 greatest mates were there and the Castle Draft flowed nicely. My sister was a super star and didn't grumble once for having to stick around.

Tuesday: Last day in SA. Made sure the washing was done, returned my gran's car and took her for lunch. Then picked up my sister's car from the garage and took her to get the speakers, I had got her for her Birthday, installed. Then chilled at home watching cricket and passing the time before going to the airport. After my Dad dropped me off I found the pub showing the cricket and sat and had a drink and a couple cigs. Oh the dread of having to get onto he plane! On the plane I was seated amongst a german family and of course the youngest was next to me. The whole flight all I could think was, Oh My God... surely one kid does not need to piss this much. Every half an hour!!! Then he fell asleep and I felt the tension drain from my body and I got my PSP out. As I switched it on he woke up... it's as if he could smell the disc warming up and for the next couple hours proceeded to watch me play over my shoulder. He would lean closer and I would move it away so I cold see what I was doing, closer- move it away, closer- move it away... until I was eventually holding the console in the aisle and his neck was craning to see what was going on! The little pig dog! (swein hond).

Wednesday: Plane lands in Madrid, and thanks to my Schengen Visa still having 4 days left on it I didn't have to be sent to a different terminal with the rest of my TB/Aids/terrorist/asylum seeking countrymen. They really have funny regulations for anyone displaying the little green passport. This most recent example really highlighted this as I was able to bullshit my way through the entire airport all because I had a piece of paper glued into my passport saying that the french trusted me once... what a joke! Anyway, I got to Heathrow and called a cab as the thought of tubing it home was right up there with Chinese Water Torture. On arriving home I met my new housemate from New Zealand and after a ten minute discussion duly passed out on the couch from exhaustion!

Thursday: Woke up very confused as I wasn't sure where I was, and then spent the rest of the day catching up on the series I had missed while in SA.

So now it's back to the norm of the UK. Fortunately I have some exciting things to look forward to and the weather is playing nice so far. Got a TASS Group meeting this weekend and I expect some exciting news will be announced soon regarding this.

Wanted: New Liver, Kidneys, and Lungs

The party will not stop... I love it!

Right so to continue the diary:

Tuesday: Off to Jolly Roger again! You really can't fault it for consistency!

Wednesday: Admin day, spent taking my gran from place to place and then met with a developer about our second website. Looks like they'll be able to do everything we want and it just may come in on budget!

Thursday: Shopping with mom! Got spoiled... I'll never get too old to be spoiled by my folks! Then off to Saints rugby fest very late, to meet up with mates before heading off to Melville. Old Melville hasn't really changed, and we started the evening off with a bit of sushi before managing a semi-pub crawl whilst being stalked by some rather 'large' women whom my mate thought was a good idea to talk to. Got stuck into the Jager-bombs in a big way before shaking some ass on the dance floor (I still can't do drum 'n bass properly). Another mate then dropped me off at home after passing out in his car on the way and realizing I didn't know where I was.

Friday: MUST CHILL OUT... but noooooooooo, off to lunch with my godparents and some hair-of-the-dog. Lunch turned into afternoon drinks before calling it a day and attempting to catch an early night.

Saturday: Up early for rugby on tv, and last minute admin at the bank. Sharks have a beauty of a game, that's more like it boys! Then off to Saints rugby fest. Had a good time talking shit with my makes and having a couple beers all whilst overlooking the games below. Saints got a thorough trouncing at the hands of Paarl Gym, but that was kinda expected. Then off to a mates house to meet up before catching a cab to Night Fever. Ahhh the Fever... I cannot believe it still exists. As per normal at Fever drank far too many shooters and Jager-bombs, and then demonstrated to the adoring crowd how to completely make an ass of yourself whilst dancing like it was your last night on the planet! I loved every second of it. Minor regret in not paying the young girl I had being buying drinks more attention at this stage...however... bygones!

Sunday: Happy Easter- woke up at a mates house feeling less than fresh and caught the start of the Grand Prix... McLaren 1/2- sweet...my ex would not have enjoyed that result! I then hear the news about the cricket and my mood does not improve... poo. WTF! (I'm lost for words)

So as you can see the party has not let up, however the venues have gone back to basics. Less pretentious and more just about having fun with mates! Only a couple days left in SA, and as sad as I will be to leave... my body will be a lot happier once I do!

Jo'burg- The Good and the Bad

Hectic!

Let me just start off by saying that I am loving being in Joburg. Since my last post I have had a crazy couple of days. It's during these couple days that I have been reminded about one of the things that I don't enjoy about this city, but I'll get to that... first the play by play summary:

Wednesday: After recovering from the 27 Dinner I was off to Q Bar for a coke or two. I eventually managed to put a beer down but it wasn't great. This really is a testament to the previous evening. Q Bar was pretty good, but the point of the evening was to meet up with some mates whom I hadn't seen since being back in SA. I then came home to watch SA almost choke to Sri Lanka.

Thursday: Chilled during the day and then went out for dinner for my sister's birthday at Harrison's in Rivonia. What a quality spot! And really good value. It was really cool to spent time just with my family.

Friday: The beginning of the weekend. I joined a mate for lunch at News Cafe in Sandton, and sacrificed watching my beloved Sharks for the pleasure of my mates company. Another joined me before catching a lift with another mate to go off to Kai Tai in Randburg. I can definitely recommend Kai Tai for a good relaxing drink with mates. From there I went off to Su Da Da in Sandton and then off to Jolly Roger in Parkhurst. I didn't have a lift home from here so spent the night at a mates house.

Saturday: Woke up at my mates house and helped him move before dashing back home to pick up a change of clothes. Then off to a mates flat for a couple gin & tonics then met up with a group of mates before going to Ellis Park to watch the Lions lose to the Brumbies. We then went back and had a bit of a street party before going to Jolly Roger for pizza. Then off to My Bar My Grill, and from there we went to Taboo in Sandton where we hung out with the Brumbies players before being dropped off at home.

Sunday: Got up feeling understandably fragile before my entire family came round for lunch. Had a great day eating oysters and sushi, and drinking Castle Lager. I love Castle it really is one of the best beers I've tasted.

Monday: Met my mate while he was playing touch rugby, and then off to the Dros in Randburg for a drink.

So as you can see I've been partying hard, and racking up the miles. Joburg is a strange place, but I don't think it's changed as much as I have since I left 3 years ago. Whenever you walk into a place in Joburg everyone looks at you and gives you the up-and-down...what's up with that? I am not an interesting person to look at...
Then all these terribly wanky and pretentious places I've been to really take it out of you. I'm not sure if it's the places or the complete tossers that seem to swarm there, but I really don't have the energy for it. Hence why I'm off to Jolly Roger again tonight... to hang around good people, drinking good, well priced beer, and just chilling and talking rubbish.

That being said, I will more than likely find myself in more of the tosser spots, because on some level I'm still a Joburg boy!

The Aftermath.

With such a dramatic title I really hope I can do it justice when trying to recall the events of last night at the 27 Dinner.

It was with much trepidation that I climbed into my sisters' Corsa last night and headed off to Melrose Arch. My nerves had been somewhat calmed by the invitation of Nic to come and introduce myself so I wouldn't look too lost. However all the roads in Jo'burg have changed ever so slightly and I managed to get myself lost, and it was only by blind luck that I literally stumbled upon the correct off ramp.

I walked into Primi Forum and immediately knew I was in the right place, and I must commend Mike, Dave, and everyone else involved in organising a really top event. I made my way straight to the bar and despite the less than optimal bar service I managed to get my hands on an ice cold peroni... I love spending pounds in SA! I then noticed a blatant spelling error on the about section of my blog as it was blown up 6x6 feet...doh!

Despite considering myself a complete extrovert I was decidedly nervous, fortunately I found Nic and immediately felt less spare. I was introduced to the Rhodes crowd and then found myself a seat at the bar. I enjoyed all the presentations however it was the mingling in between which I most enjoyed. I met Justin whom I had tongue-in-cheek...ily offered R100 for Grabble to. LOL- still sounds funny when I say it.

Once the presentations were over I got stuck into the beers again and had a chat to Dave and managed to introduce myself to Mike. I then had a good laugh chatting the guys from Chumpstyle about monetising their site.

All of a sudden it seemed the night was over and I found myself searching for my sisters car (I couldn't remember what level I had parked it on).

I had a great evening and really enjoyed being able to chat to guys whom I would not have been able to meet otherwise.

(Just so everyone knows the reason this post is so late is because I apparently picked up a bug from my sister and was man-down the whole of yesterday... that's my story and I'm sticking to it, it had nothing to do with the booze :p)