This was emailed to me earlier today, and as I consider myself an excellent wingman it appealed to me particularly.
*THE WINGMAN IS ARGUABLY THE NOBLEST CREATURE TO EVER STEP INTO A BARROOM!!* Who else, with cavalier disregard for his personal reputation, is so willing
to throw himself upon the cruel mercies of a brazen man-hater, just so his
buddy can hook up with a hot girl with big gazongas?
Who else, with just a hint of a grimace, will selflessly dirty dance with a
creature so hideous that no amount of hard liquor will wash the stain from
his memory?
Who else, especially if he's loaded to the gills, will stand in the deepest
depths of hell just so a pal can climb up his back into hook-up heaven?
Whose sterling motto is, "You are going to so owe me"?
None else but the wingman!
*WHAT A WINGMAN DOES...*And just as that brave (some say suicidally insane) Spartan king and his
hundred warriors laid down their lives against a hundred thousand Persians,
so will the wingman, with the right amount of prodding, recklessly lunge
into battle against foes twice his size and half his intellect, fully
knowing there is no way in hell that the night will end well.
*IT USUALLY GOES DOWN LIKE THIS:* A male (the flight leader) spots an attractive female (the bombing target)
across the bar. But alas, she is not alone. She is paired with a tragically
less attractive friend (the cock blocker). And they seem quite close, so
close that the BT is unlikely to abandon her CB for a guy she just met.
The FL knows he'll never be able to successfully complete his bombing run
without proper air cover, and this is where the wingman comes into play. The
wingman will engage the CB and pin her down long enough for the FL to finish
his run, and hopefully bomb his target back to his bedroom.
Of course, there's much more to the task than distracting the CB while the
FL makes his move.
Wingman skills have been honed and passed down since someone decided women
should be allowed into bars. Strategies have evolved and tactics have been
polished to the point that the wingman has become a super-specialized
warrior in the eternal Battle of the Sexes.
And like all specialists, they've developed their own lingo.
*WINGMAN JARGON...* Air superiority - when the flight team has established a comfortable
conversation with the BT and CB.
- BT - Bombing Target; the hot chick.
- Banzai shot - much as kamikaze pilots were given a ceremonial shot
of sake before being sealed in their cockpits, the flight leader should buy
his wingman a shot prior to a mission.
- Betty - an alliteration of Bombing Target.
- Bogie - a friend of the BT that has not yet been identified as a CB.
- CB - Cock Blocker; the hot girl's troublesome friend and sworn enemy
of the wingman. Also called a bandit.
- Dogfight - dancing with a CB.
- FL - Flight Leader; also called the bombardier.
- Flak - snide remarks made by a CB in an attempt to drive the flight
team from the skies.
- Flying blind - when the wingman indulges in so much in-flight
refueling he jeopardizes the mission.
- Getting pinged - initial eye contact with a BT.
- In-flight refueling - when a wingman orders a flurry of shots to
help him complete his mission.
- Kamikaze mission - when the wingman is likely to end up in the
clutches of the CB.
- Landing gear - a wingman's self-respect; if a FL asks his wingman to
"leave his landing gear behind," he's preparing the wingman for a flak storm
or kamikaze mission.
- POW - Prisoner Of a Warthog; to go home with a CB, the supreme
sacrifice of a wingman.
- Pig Alley - a play off of the Korean War's infamous MIG Alley, this
describes a BT swarming with CBs.
- Shite leader - a would-be Flight Leader without the skills to
complete the mission.
- Shoot and scoot - an attempt to engage with more than one CB at a
time.
- Tailgunning - when the wingman disgracefully abandons his air cover
duties and attempts his own bombing run on the BT.
- Yank and bank - an attempt by the FL to maneuver the BT away from
the wingman and CB for some one-on-one time.
*KNOW YOUR COCK BLOCKERS...* Before you tip that throttle and rocket off the runway, it's best to know
what you're up against.
There are three types of CBs, namely:
1.) *Cinderella's Sister:*
This semi-attractive woman is secretly jealous of her more alluring friend
and won't want to see her hook up because she's tired of being the
bridesmaid. She's an easy target for flattery, especially if you compare her
favorably with her friend.
*Tag line*: "Doesn't she have great breasts? Too bad they're fake."
2.) *Den Mother:*
She's such a wonderful, responsible, caring person that she feels the need
to watch over her "wild" friend and keep all the naughty boys at length.
She's been honing her CB skills since high school and knows all the tricks,
but can be cracked with a "you should really let your friend live her own
life, she's all grown up now" attack.
*Tag line*: "Come on, Sweety, you've had enough to drink and it's time to go
home."
3.) Brumhilda* : *
Tempered by the hot fires of spite and bitterness, she dislikes men in
general, either because she's been denied their attention or due to past
romantic difficulties. She is the most dangerous CB because no amount of
charm can flatter her into letting your FL fly off into the sunset with her
friend. Only the most skilled and dogged of wingmen can neutralize her,
usually by pretending he's gay and equally bitter.
*Tag line*: "Hey you. Yeah, you, asshole. It's girls' night out. No men
allowed. So why don't you go play Hide and Go Fuck Yourself?"
*POINTS TO REMEMBER... * After the BT has been reconned, it's always best if the wingman goes in
first.
If he wings in with the FL or after, it will smack off a setup.
Once the wingman has successfully engaged the CB, the FL sweeps in, first
making contact with the wingman, then turning his attention to the BT.
The moment the conversation is rolling, the FL will want to focus fully on
the BT, so the wingman should attempt to lure the CB to the dance floor,
jukebox, pool table or bar.
If the CB refuses to budge, the FL will attempt to "yank and bank" the BT
well out of cock blocking range.
A good wingman will accept the fact that he will most likely have to remain
with the CB for the rest of evening, because once he breaks off the attack,
the CB will make a beeline to the BT and try to shoot down the FL.
Keeping the CB pinned down is not always easy. The wingman must use all his
charms to keep her entertained, he must listen to psyche-grating
life-stories, he will learn the names of all her cats and all their
wonderful little quirks.
And if need be, he will feign romantic interest.
When closing time rolls around, a lesser wingman will wish his FL all the
luck in the world and hightail it home.
A good wingman, however, will carry on his mission even though it extends to
someone's domicile, knowing full well he will find himself deep in enemy
airspace, and may be asked to make the ultimate sacrifice.
*THE RISKS...* It's true that sometimes terrible things befall wingmen.
Sometimes it's as innocuous as enduring a dull conversation or getting a
drink thrown in his face.
Sometimes his public reputation becomes so mangled he can no longer fly in
the same theater of operations.
Sometimes he will get locked in so steep a dive he can't pull up in time to
save himself from crash landing in a CB's bed.
The experience can shatter him completely, taking him off the duty roster
for weeks, sometimes months. Sometimes he never comes back.
Finally, worst of all, a wingman might go so far and so often into enemy
territory that he will "go native," and develop strange tastes in women.
So if you find a good wingman, make sure the missions are worth his risk and
sacrifice.
If the bombing run is successful, buy him a bottle of the good stuff,
especially if he served as a POW.
Keep him happy, serve as his wingman when he needs one, and hold onto him
with an iron grip.
*GOOD WINGMEN ARE AS RARE AS DIAMONDS!!!*
Labels: Humour
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